The Worst Dungeon Ever
by SP-in-Sirius-Denial
Summary: Sirius and Remus are abducted by some Slytherins and end up locked away in a dungeon. This is a cute and fluffy, tiny bit angsty, slightly humorous account of what happens in the dungeon. SB/RL.


**The Worst Dungeon Ever**

* * *

"I love the night sky," Remus announced. He was lying on the grass staring up at the moonless sky with Sirius.

"Mmm…Me too," Sirius responded. "It's so…big. There's so much up there."

"You're up there."

"So are you…well…most of the time."

Remus smiled. "Isn't it crazy that muggles have actually been up there? They've been on the moon…"

"It's creepy…muggles are crazy," Sirius answered.

"Wonder what would happen if I went to the moon. Think I'd be a wolf all the time there?"

Sirius looked over at him, puzzled. "I have absolutely no idea. Technically the moon is always full right? So I guess if you're always there where it's always full you would always be a wolf. I suggest you stay away from the moon, my friend."

Remus laughed quietly and said, "Noted."

They continued staring at the expanse of stars in silence.

Suddenly, Sirius sat up and watched as his wand zipped out of his pocket towards the forbidden forest. Remus made a grab for his wand but it zipped away as well.

"What the fu-" Sirius began but suddenly they were both shrouded in netting and were levitated into the air.

"Sirius!" Remus yelled, panicked. He was scanning his surroundings, searching for their captor.

"There!" Sirius pointed at two figures cloaked in black about fifty yards away.

"Let us go!" Remus bellowed.

Sirius tore at the netting trying to free himself but his attempts were futile. He felt his body weaken and his eyelids drooped heavily. His eyes darted to Remus, who seemed to be in the same state. Moments later both boys were passed out in their nets.

"Sirius – Sirius wake up!"

Remus was shaking him frantically, begging him to wake.

Sirius's eyes fluttered open and he stared up at Remus. "What happened?" he asked groggily and sat up on the stone floor. He glanced around at his surroundings and found that he and Remus were in a small dungeon cell. Three walls were sharp, ragged stone, the fourth a wall of wrought iron bars.

"Where are we?" Sirius gasped.

"No idea," Remus said shaking his head. "I think we're still at Hogwarts. This must be some part of the dungeons we haven't discovered."

Sirius quickly transformed into his dog form and sniffed around. When he transformed back he had a grim expression on his face. "We are still at Hogwarts…I can smell it. I can also smell a greasy-haired git."

"Snape?!" Remus gasped.

"He must have been one of our captors. Or at the very least he was down here to watch marauders in captivity."

"I can't believe Snape would do that…" Remus whispered.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You always were a little naïve when it came to him."

"Don't start, Sirius."

"I'm just saying. I personally am not the least bit surprised this happened."

Remus bit his tongue and closed his eyes.

The boys sat in silence for several long moments. Remus's throat was dry and sore, as it often was after the full moon. He had a tendency to suffer dehydration for several days after this transformation.

"I'm already thirsty…how long do you think they'll keep us in here?"

"No idea…I don't think they'll let us die though, otherwise we'd already be dead.," Sirius said as he dug in his robes. He pulled out something shiny and passed it to Remus.

Remus examined it, "A flask? What's in it? I don't think fire-whiskey is going to cure my thirst."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "It's just water Moony. Drink about half. You'll want to save the rest for later."

Remus unscrewed the flask and took several long pulls on it. He offered a sip to Sirius who refused. He took one more sip and then put the flask down.

"Since when are you carrying around flasks of water?" Remus asked conversationally.

"Since about third year," Sirius admitted, his cheeks tinged with red. "I only do it three days out of the month…after the full moon."

"You carry around a flask of water for me?"

Sirius nodded, feeling silly, "Yeah – I know how thirsty you get, so I kept it around in case we were ever in a place where you couldn't get water. This is the first time you've actually needed it…"

Remus smiled, "You amaze me. Thanks, Sirius."

"Yeah, yeah," Sirius said blushing some more.

"What time do you think it is?" Remus asked.

Sirius shrugged. "Feels like 3AM."

"How does it feel like 3AM?" Remus asked.

"You know when you're up late and you can't sleep and it just seems so unnatural to be awake. It's like you know you should be asleep like the rest of the word. It just feels like that."

"Well everything about this situation is unnatural."

"That's true…but I still think it's around 3AM."

"I'll take your word for it," Remus said, yawning.

"You should try to sleep," Sirius instructed. "You're still recovering.

"I'm fine," Remus argued. "I'm not sleeping in here."

"Suit yourself," Sirius said roughly, but added in a gentler tone, "But if you need to, you can rest on my shoulder or leg or something…so it's a bit more comfortable."

"Thanks, mate," Remus said.

"You know what we haven't tried?" Sirius asked.

"What?"

"Anything. We didn't even try to open the fucking door! Bunch of idiot prisoners we are." Sirius hopped to his feet.

"I will die of shock if that door opens right now," Remus added as he watched Sirius wrap his hands around the bars that made up the door to the cell. He rattled them roughly but they didn't open. He tried again, harder, but they didn't budge.

"Locked," he stated obviously. Remus couldn't help but laugh.

Sirius then began feeling around the rocky walls. "Maybe there's a trick door out of here or something." He pressed his fingertips all over the walls. "Ouch!" he said suddenly and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Bloody fucking piece of shit!" Sirius yelled.

"Are you alright?"

"Just cut my finger. Fuck! This is the worst dungeon ever. Couldn't they at least imprison us in a room with smooth walls? Is that too much to ask?"

Remus laughed lightly, despite their situation and pulled Sirius down next to him. Sirius found nothing humorous about the situation, and said so. He didn't like when Remus laughed at him when that hadn't been his goal.

"I know it's not funny, Sirius."

"Bloody fucking Slytherins. Who do they think they are?!" Sirius yelled angrily, his temper quickly flaring out of control. He stood up again and shook the metal bars angrily. Remus actually thought he may be angry enough to break right through them, but unfortunately that wasn't the case.

"Sirius calm, down," Remus clambered stiffly to his feet and stood behind Sirius. He put a hand on either one of his shoulders but Sirius didn't turn around. He rested his head against the bars. "Everything's going to be fine, Sirius. They will have had their fun by morning and will let us out by lunchtime, you'll see."

Sirius let out a roar of rage and again pulled roughly at the bars. Remus took a few steps back. "Don't be such a fucking idiot, Remus!" He yelled and spun around. "What do you think? They're going to stroll down here all "hey guys have a fun time? That was a great joke, huh?" NO! They're not going to just come down here and let us out!"

Remus looked at Sirius, with hurt amber eyes as Sirius raged on. "NO! We'll be lucky if they so much as bring us a scrap of food! We either need to get ourselves out of here or hope James and Pete are smart enough to find us and break us out!"

Sirius finished his rant and went back to pulling at each bar individually, at varying heights.

Remus stewed in the corner, not at all happy about being yelled at like that. Glaring at Sirius, he spat, "It's pointless, Sirius! Give it up!"

Sirius glared back and continued yanking on the bars.

"You know…if you had listened to me all of these years and just left Snape and the others alone we wouldn't be here right now."

Sirius froze and then turned back to Remus, anger seeping out of every pore on his face. "So this is my fault now?" he asked in a psychotically calm voice.

"You couldn't just leave them be. Even when they did nothing to us you had to go and play your pranks!" Remus yelled.

"You are unbelievable, Remus Lupin," Sirius accused, breathing heavily. Remus watched his face turn from angry, to guilty, to utterly sad in a matter of moments.

"Sirius," Remus said in a gentler voice.

"No," Sirius said holding up his hands. "I don't want to talk to you right now." He transformed back into the shaggy dog and curled up against the metal bars furthest from Remus. He stared at the wall.

Remus groaned and pulled his knees up to his chest, willing himself through the first few minutes of tense silence.

Nearly half an hour had passed when the sound of chattering teeth broke Sirius from his session of self pity. He glanced over at Remus and saw him curled into himself quivering and shivering against the sharp stony wall.

Sirius transformed and pulled off his robes. He draped them around Remus who looked up gratefully and whispered a thanks, through his clattering teeth.

"I'm sorry for what I said," Remus added sincerely.

"You were right," Sirius said sadly. "It's my fault. I'm sorry I got you landed here."

"No…it's not your fault. I didn't mean it. I was just angry with you for yelling at me. It was a low blow."

"The lowest blows are always true."

Remus sighed.

"And I'm sorry for yelling at you," Sirius whispered.

"S'okay…I was being naïve."

"No…the eternal optimist, that's what you are," Sirius teased.

Remus was still shaking from the cold.

"You're going to freeze to death," Sirius stated.

"No…I'm okay. Don't worry."

"Are you tired?" Sirius asked as he wrapped his arms around him from behind. He ran his hands up and down Remus's arms for friction. Remus leaned back into Sirius's chest and rested his head against' Sirius's.

"A little."

"Is this helping warm you up?" he asked.

Remus nodded.

"I'm sorry we're stuck in the worst dungeon ever," Sirius whispered.

"Me too…at least we're here together. There's no one else I'd want to be stuck in the worst dungeon ever with."

Sirius gave a small laugh and then turned his head slightly, pressing a soft kiss into Remus's cheek.

Remus's eyes widened in surprise. "What's that for?"

Sirius shrugged, a pink tinge in his cheeks. "Something I wanted to do…Did you mind it?"

Remus shook his head. "Although…I think you could have thought of a better location."

"We're in a dungeon, remember?"

"That's not the kind of location I meant," Remus whispered staring up into Sirius's dark eyes.

"Oh," Sirius responded, embarrassed but pleasantly surprised. He planted another soft kiss on Remus's cheek and then craned his head to press his lips sideways into Remus's.

Remus kissed back and closed his eyes. He twisted slightly in Sirius's arms so that they were now kissing head on. Sirius's hand came up and twisted through his golden hair. Remus moaned quietly and pulled away, "I'm warm now."

Sirius grinned, "I'm glad." He continued running his hand through Remus's hair as Remus pressed his cheek into Sirius's chest. "I'm going to get you out of here," Sirius vowed.

"Mm-hm," Remus mumbled into Sirius's chest sleepily.

"Go to sleep, I'll think of something," Sirius instructed, rubbing his hand up and down Remus's back.

Remus settled comfortably against Sirius and closed his eyes. Sleep captured him in just moments.

Sirius stared at the metal bars calculatingly, trying to judge what could fit between them.

As a human, he thought he was skinny enough to get his body through the bars, but his head was simply too big. As a dog he was much too broad to get any part of his body through. Maybe a little maneuvering and a well timed transformation would get him through.

Sirius worked out a plan in his head as he let Remus sleep for an hour or so.

"Remus, wake up," Sirius called, shaking his friend. "I have a plan to get us out of here. Wake up! Wake up!"

Remus groaned and shifted in Sirius's arms. He stared up at Sirius and asked, "What?"

Sirius grinned and kissed Remus's forehead. "I have an idea to get us out of here."

"Tell me."

"Okay – so I'm going to transform into Padfoot and stick my head through the bars. Then, I'm going to transform back and slip the rest of the way through as a human."

"I don't like that idea."

"Why not?" Sirius asked, his face falling.

"You've never seen yourself transform. Your head, neck and shoulders bulge out when you transform back. It's not as smooth as you seem to think. What if your head pops off?!"

"Does it really look that weird? Once this is over I'll have to transform in front of a mirror."

Remus looked at him concernedly.

"I'll be fine Remus. If I feel like I can't make the transformation between the bars, I'll stop and stay Padfoot, okay?"

"I don't know."

"I've gotta do it Moons," Sirius declared and gently pushed Remus off of him and stood, pulling Remus up with him.

"Once I'm through I'm going to run up and get James and Pete and have someone get Dumbledore. I'll be right back for you okay?"

Remus nodded. "Be careful," he whispered.

Sirius smiled, "I will." Sirius kissed Remus gently on the lips, "Sit tight," he added before transforming into Padfoot.

He barked once and then set his head between the widest opening between the bars. He moved his head left and right to once again judge the space between them.

Remus squinted his eyes as he half watched Sirius transform. His head pulled back against the bars as his body quickly shifted and morphed back into the human Sirius.

"FUCK!" Sirius yelled, rubbing his neck tenderly. "You were right that hurt like a bitch!"

"Are you okay," Remus asked, kneeling down beside Sirius and placing a hand tenderly on his back.

"Yah, I'm fine," he replied and began maneuvering himself through the two bars. He got his torso and arms through and held onto the one horizontal bar with his hands. Attempting to slide himself through and into a standing position, he used his upper arms to pull on the bar. He stopped as his butt stopped up against the bar.

"My butt's too big!" he announced.

Remus laughed despite himself. "Wiggle it," he suggested.

Sirius glanced back at him and mumbled, "You'd like that wouldn't you." Remus blushed and punched Sirius lightly on his stuck bottom.

Laughing, Sirius took Remus's advice and began wiggling his butt through the bars..

"It's working," he announced and wiggled some more until he could pull his legs through the bars.

"You did it!" Remus gasped, as Sirius righted himself on the other side of the bars. He suddenly felt very lonely inside the cell.

"Okay…I'll be right back with help. Are you going to be okay by yourself?"

"I'll be fine. Just try to hurry, okay?"

Sirius nodded. "I'll be back in a flash!" And with that Sirius ran down the hall and out of Remus's sight.

Remus sat back down against the rough wall and wrapped Sirius's robes tightly around him, breathing in the smell of his best friend.

It was far more scary being alone in the cell than it had been with Sirius. He heard more noises when there wasn't a body moving around beside him. There were creaks and cracks and dripping water. He even heard a low whistling wind, but did not feel any movement in the air. Remus shivered and tried to think about anything other than his current predicament.

He drank the rest of the water in the flask and thought about how well Sirius had taken care of him during the last full moon. Sirius had tenderly helped him get dressed afterwards and healed all of his wounds. All the while, he had made Remus feel so comfortable and at ease that he didn't mind being banged up and naked in front of his friend. Sirius somehow had that way of balancing any situation.

Perhaps that was why Remus hadn't freaked out too badly when they had first found themselves locked in the dungeon. But now – Remus was alone and there was nothing to calm his fears.

A few minutes later he heard several footsteps shuffling towards him.

"Please be Sirius and James, please be Sirius and James," Remus silently begged as he tucked his arms up under his chin.

It wasn't Sirius and James – rather, it was the black cloaked figures from the night before. Remus could have sworn that he had heard at least three, maybe four different foot steps. Then the tip of a black shoe appeared just behind the pair and Remus buoyed himself up, knowing he was safe. His friends were there.

"Hey there," he said cheerfully. "Fine day it is, isn't it?"

The figures didn't move and Remus wished he could see their faces.

"Where's Black?" one of the figures asked in a raspy voice. The voice was magically enhanced, Remus could tell.

Remus shrugged, "He said I should save myself. So I ate him. Quite tasty, he was."

The black figures stared at each other.

"Ate his clothes too, did you?" the other figure asked, this voice too was enhanced.

"No," Remus said indicating his second pair of robes. "It was a bit cold in here so I doubled up.

The figures looked at each other again. Remus could have sworn they believed him.

Remus heard Sirius snigger quietly behind the invisibility cloak. Unfortunately the cloaked figures did as well and whipped around at the sound.

James and Sirius threw off the cloak and pointed wands at the men in black, instantly disarming them. Four wands floated away from them. Sirius pocketed the one he had been using, handed Remus's wand back to him and flourished his own.

Remus "alohamora-d" his way out of the cell and held it open for the other boys. Sirius and James threw the cloaked figures inside with a flick of their wands and Remus slammed the door shut.

"Accio cloaks," Sirius hissed. And the cloaks flew to him.

"Accio masks," James followed.

"Accio pants," Remus added with a mischievous grin. Sirius laughed.

Severus Snape and Regulus Black now stood in the worst dungeon ever, pant-less, in just their open Slytherin robes.

"You know Snape," Remus said conversationally as Sirius glared murderously at his brother. "I used to defend you. I didn't think the way the guys treated you was right at all. And you know…I still don't. But what you've done is SO MUCH WORSE than anything they've ever done to you. Kidnapping? Really?"

Snape gripped the bars and spit on Remus's pants. Sirius lunged forward but James held him back. Snape growled through the bars. "I'll get you all one of these days!"

"Sure, sure, whatever you say," James waved and pushed the boys along down the hall way. Snape and Regulus yelled obscenities until they were out of earshot.

Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus as they walked back towards the main level of the school.

"I'll go intercept Dumbledore and tell him what happened and where they are. You two go get some food," he instructed. "And warm him up," he added to Sirius. Remus was shivering again.

"Aye, aye," Sirius responded and saluted James as he turned to go up a flight of stairs.

"So it turns out I was very wrong about the time," Sirius began.

"How wrong?"

"It's five o'clock at night."

"FIVE?!"

"Yep. Why don't you go warm up in bed. I'll bring dinner up to you."

"That's okay, Sirius, you don't have to do that."

"No, really. I don't want to eat in the hall tonight with all of those people. Go on upstairs."

Remus nodded and headed up. He changed into a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeved t-shirt and curled up in his bed, exhaustion clouding his mind. Sirius arrived and placed two full plates and two large goblets down on the nightstand.

He placed a warming spell on Remus's blankets and slid in next to him. He first offered Remus one of the goblets and Remus chugged down the pumpkin juice. He then traded the empty glass for a plate and they ate in silence. When Remus finished, Sirius took his plate for him and continued eating his own meal. Remus sunk down into the bed and pulled the blankets over his arms and tucked them under his chin. He curled up on his side and watched Sirius finish eating.

"I can't believe you had room for all that after eating an entire Sirius Black!" Sirius announced as he set his own plate aside. Remus laughed adorably, making Sirius smile affectionately.

Sirius brushed back Remus's hair and said, "I'll let you get some sleep." He climbed out of the warm bed and reached out to pull the curtain closed.

"You should sleep too, Padfoot," Remus protested, sitting up. Sirius paused with the curtain in his hand. "I'm going to, I'll be right over here," he indicated his bed two feet away.

"James said you had to keep me warm," Remus added.

Sirius grinned, understanding what Remus was essentially asking for. "Oh alright! Just let me change real quick, okay mate?" he conceded. He disappeared for a moment and came back wearing a pair of red cotton pajamas. He tucked himself into the bed beside Remus and kissed the werewolf's soft hair.

"Thanks," Remus murmured as he cuddled up to Sirius. Sirius smiled in return and again ran his fingers through Remus' soft hair.

"This is a much better location than the worst dungeon ever," Remus said, suddenly feeling wide awake. Sirius's chest rumbled beneath him as he laughed. Remus propped himself up on his elbow and lowered his head over Sirius's, capturing his lips in a strong, warm kiss.

Remus soon after fell asleep across Sirius's chest and slept straight through till morning. Sirius, on the other hand, lay wide awake for the better half of the night worrying. He was positively dreading the conversation that would soon take place regarding how they'd gone from best friends to best friends who kiss during stressful situations, and whatever phase would come next.


End file.
